notes on california 2
there is a lot to share about our experience in california last week, and it has taken more time than i expected to sort through all of the related thoughts and feelings.
in some ways, the trip was quite different than either of us expected. i think both of us expected that the angels would sing and all would fall naturally into place the entire time we were there. and some of that did happen. but some of that also did not happen. some of it was surprising and hard. some of our conversations coming back here to florida have been quite honest and candid in ways neither of us really want them to be. and in that place, reflecting on those things, i feel a measure of disappointment.
it's been hard to sift through that disappointment to discern the true root of it. and i think one reason that has been hard is because there is both good and bad to hold in our hands through this, both amazingness and difficulty. in my heart, i feel the good and the bad judging each other, making it difficult for either of them to coexist and be true at the same time.
so, despite the difficulty and my not fully understanding all that God is up to yet, i will try to relate some of how things went. this will not be an exhaustive list.
* our time with ISF was very fruitful and peaceful and lovely. we spent about an hour talking with the program administrator. i loved her energy and the language she used to talk about the program and its students. i felt a continued connection to what this program is about and what i am about, which was exciting and encouraging. then kirk and i had individual interviews with the program administrator and an additional staff person. mine lasted about an hour, and kirk's lasted about 40 minutes. all told, we were there for nearly three hours. i am amazed they took as much time with us as they did, and that they were continually gracious to have offered us all of that time.
* as i was sitting in the lobby during kirk's interview, reflecting on how mine had gone and praying for him during his, i was overcome with a sense of right-now-ness, similar to what i experienced on easter sunday from my previous post. i could feel my heart bubbling up with a sense of urgency, like this program is very much for me and the time for it is very much right now. that felt really good and accorded me a great measure of peace and contentedness and happiness as i sat there in that lobby waiting for him to come out.
* kirk's experience had a little bit of a different twist. about halfway through his interview, it became really clear to him that God is moving him into a season of focusing on career. this wasn't wholly surprising, since he has always been anticipating working full-time and taking classes just part-time. the surprising thing is that he realized he would be okay if he waited a little while to start the program, perhaps a semester or even a year. he even felt strongly enough about this to express it in his interview, sharing that if their decision came down to having room for only one of us in the fall, he hoped they would choose me instead of him. wow. that was quite a revelation for him to experience and for me to hear.
* as the week went on, kirk's conviction about this grew. we are now pretty certain that one of the primary ways God used this week was to grant kirk the gift of perspective and clarity of priorities. this is pretty amazing, as kirk has spent the past three years completely reorienting his life toward receiving a new kingdom or territory over which to rule and has been walking in a desert for much of that time, wondering when that kingdom will come into view and what it will entail. God has made it clear to kirk that the time for ruling and reigning is upon him. whoa. God totally showed up for kirk this week in that way. we are both totally blown away by that.
* we visited a handful of areas in which we thought we might like to live. we saw some beautiful communities and some not-so-beautiful communities. overall, the house-hunting aspect of our trip seemed to provoke more stress than expected. both of us became quite struck by what a special place we inhabit right now in winter park and what a beautiful home and quality of life we share for such a low, low cost of living. it's extraordinary, really. we will be hard-pressed to find a similar situation in southern california, which is high-priced and congested and very much filled with concrete and track homes. neither of us are very sure which area of california will ultimately be for us, but we acknowledge and trust that all of that will work itself out in the way it needs to at the time it needs to do so, eventually.
* ultimately, this is going to come down to a question of financial viability. there is the possibility that when we receive our notices from ISF (which should come in about two months, just after memorial day), that we will find ourselves in a position of practical readiness to move and create a life in california, if invited to do so. we are having conversations about what that could look like. but we are also having conversations about what it could look like if we aren't ready, if we need more time, if prolonging the move for six months or a year might need to be an option for financial reasons.
* i think this is the part that is hard for me to think about. this is the part where i want to close my eyes, put my fingers in my ears, and cry, "la-la-la-la-la! la-la-la-la-la!" like a little kid throwing a tantrum and being unwilling to listen to reason. but i'm getting better at having this conversation. i'm conceding the truths of reality and the truths of what things are important to us. i'm conceding that there needs to be a measure of wisdom. and i'm conceding that in some ways, God could also be up to some other things not fully in view quite yet. and we want to be open to all of that. we want to receive the full measure.
* right now, kirk and i are very clear that getting to california will take some practical readiness on a financial level that we need to build toward intentionally. we do not want to get there and have to blow through our savings and then be up a creek, not knowing what to do next. we want to be prepared, and we think that means exercising wisdom and restraint, if necessary. it also means doing what we can to prepare while waiting to hear from ISF in the next two months.
* so in the interim, we are both exploring some handfuls of options for what this new momentum could look like for both of us, both in california (if we move immediately) and in florida (if we need to wait). even though the initial thought of this part was difficult to swallow and somewhat distasteful to me, it has started to become exciting. i am looking forward to what will emerge. i wonder, for both of us, what we will find.
in some ways, the trip was quite different than either of us expected. i think both of us expected that the angels would sing and all would fall naturally into place the entire time we were there. and some of that did happen. but some of that also did not happen. some of it was surprising and hard. some of our conversations coming back here to florida have been quite honest and candid in ways neither of us really want them to be. and in that place, reflecting on those things, i feel a measure of disappointment.
it's been hard to sift through that disappointment to discern the true root of it. and i think one reason that has been hard is because there is both good and bad to hold in our hands through this, both amazingness and difficulty. in my heart, i feel the good and the bad judging each other, making it difficult for either of them to coexist and be true at the same time.
so, despite the difficulty and my not fully understanding all that God is up to yet, i will try to relate some of how things went. this will not be an exhaustive list.
* our time with ISF was very fruitful and peaceful and lovely. we spent about an hour talking with the program administrator. i loved her energy and the language she used to talk about the program and its students. i felt a continued connection to what this program is about and what i am about, which was exciting and encouraging. then kirk and i had individual interviews with the program administrator and an additional staff person. mine lasted about an hour, and kirk's lasted about 40 minutes. all told, we were there for nearly three hours. i am amazed they took as much time with us as they did, and that they were continually gracious to have offered us all of that time.
* as i was sitting in the lobby during kirk's interview, reflecting on how mine had gone and praying for him during his, i was overcome with a sense of right-now-ness, similar to what i experienced on easter sunday from my previous post. i could feel my heart bubbling up with a sense of urgency, like this program is very much for me and the time for it is very much right now. that felt really good and accorded me a great measure of peace and contentedness and happiness as i sat there in that lobby waiting for him to come out.
* kirk's experience had a little bit of a different twist. about halfway through his interview, it became really clear to him that God is moving him into a season of focusing on career. this wasn't wholly surprising, since he has always been anticipating working full-time and taking classes just part-time. the surprising thing is that he realized he would be okay if he waited a little while to start the program, perhaps a semester or even a year. he even felt strongly enough about this to express it in his interview, sharing that if their decision came down to having room for only one of us in the fall, he hoped they would choose me instead of him. wow. that was quite a revelation for him to experience and for me to hear.
* as the week went on, kirk's conviction about this grew. we are now pretty certain that one of the primary ways God used this week was to grant kirk the gift of perspective and clarity of priorities. this is pretty amazing, as kirk has spent the past three years completely reorienting his life toward receiving a new kingdom or territory over which to rule and has been walking in a desert for much of that time, wondering when that kingdom will come into view and what it will entail. God has made it clear to kirk that the time for ruling and reigning is upon him. whoa. God totally showed up for kirk this week in that way. we are both totally blown away by that.
* we visited a handful of areas in which we thought we might like to live. we saw some beautiful communities and some not-so-beautiful communities. overall, the house-hunting aspect of our trip seemed to provoke more stress than expected. both of us became quite struck by what a special place we inhabit right now in winter park and what a beautiful home and quality of life we share for such a low, low cost of living. it's extraordinary, really. we will be hard-pressed to find a similar situation in southern california, which is high-priced and congested and very much filled with concrete and track homes. neither of us are very sure which area of california will ultimately be for us, but we acknowledge and trust that all of that will work itself out in the way it needs to at the time it needs to do so, eventually.
* ultimately, this is going to come down to a question of financial viability. there is the possibility that when we receive our notices from ISF (which should come in about two months, just after memorial day), that we will find ourselves in a position of practical readiness to move and create a life in california, if invited to do so. we are having conversations about what that could look like. but we are also having conversations about what it could look like if we aren't ready, if we need more time, if prolonging the move for six months or a year might need to be an option for financial reasons.
* i think this is the part that is hard for me to think about. this is the part where i want to close my eyes, put my fingers in my ears, and cry, "la-la-la-la-la! la-la-la-la-la!" like a little kid throwing a tantrum and being unwilling to listen to reason. but i'm getting better at having this conversation. i'm conceding the truths of reality and the truths of what things are important to us. i'm conceding that there needs to be a measure of wisdom. and i'm conceding that in some ways, God could also be up to some other things not fully in view quite yet. and we want to be open to all of that. we want to receive the full measure.
* right now, kirk and i are very clear that getting to california will take some practical readiness on a financial level that we need to build toward intentionally. we do not want to get there and have to blow through our savings and then be up a creek, not knowing what to do next. we want to be prepared, and we think that means exercising wisdom and restraint, if necessary. it also means doing what we can to prepare while waiting to hear from ISF in the next two months.
* so in the interim, we are both exploring some handfuls of options for what this new momentum could look like for both of us, both in california (if we move immediately) and in florida (if we need to wait). even though the initial thought of this part was difficult to swallow and somewhat distasteful to me, it has started to become exciting. i am looking forward to what will emerge. i wonder, for both of us, what we will find.
posted by christianne at
2:32 AM
10 Comments:
Christianne
I know that you are trying to keep a positive spin on this. I think maybe you may be a little more disappointed than what you expressed here.
It is hard when you see things not going the way you imagined that it might.
In putting myself in your shoes this is how i would feel......like "God you give me this awesome desire to serve you and you are like a "pirate crushing my dreams with your thievery"
You may not feel that way, i don't know but it is exactly how I would feel, a little tifted at God in my impatience to get on with things.
Regardless of how you feel, I am here with you in laughter and in tears to support you in every way that i can.
This situation reminds me of Daniel when the Lord gave him a vision, and he was disturbed by its meaning. There was a delay in his answer.
Heya, girl. I just want to love you right now. My heart hurts for you and I'm not sure why...I hear aching in your words...not necessarily bad, but hard. I guess I hear rough ground, turbulence, rocks and rapids, instead of the smooth-sailing I would wish for you. I laud y'all's desire to be wise and patient, but loathe the pain that even the thought of it is causing you.
Hi C
You are such a great communicator. Thanks for sharing what's going on with you guys.
When I work out how to say what's on my mind in response to your post I'll come back and write it down. I hate when I can't get the words together to express something.
christianne - wow, you've got a lot going on in that noggin & in that heart of yours, don't you. a lot of truths & realities to contend with, a lot of having some things confirmed, some this still so uncertain & tenuous, some things perhaps a question of timing, some things a question of the how of it all.
something i become increasingly certain of in my own journey is that yes, it is hard and painful & it is a kind of death to let go of the things we want - **especially** when we see how truly good they are. and they often are those really good things. it's so difficult to arrive at a place of surrender with those things too, leaving our hands open (maybe) for God to take them away & put something else in our hands instead.
what i'm getting more & more certain of and what is causing increasing pain for me right now is that what God wants to offer me is better - & that He doesn't have to tell me what it is or when i'll have it. i'm in a place of SO not loving this right now. :o) but it's true - His design for us is better; but yes, it's so so so OUCH to let go of that good thing/idea to which we've become attached & which has inspired our hearts in all sorts of beautiful ways. i guess this is my really long-winded way of saying that i think it get the part about wanting to stick your fingers in your ears & go "la-la-la-la-la-la-la!!!!"
blessings to both you & kirk as you walk this tender & tenuous path of mercy & trusting the God who sees the grand scope of it all in the context of the larger story He is telling.
love you, girl!
* kirsten
Life's tensions. I've been thinking on this a lot lately. Black and white, this or that, would be easier, maybe. But life says no. And we walk with just a little bit of prickle under our feet.
tammy: i think i am probably more disappointed than i expressed here, too. that's been the challenge for me; i feel kinda disconnected from my heart. i think it's tied to the whole "holding good and bad together" thing i wrote about at the beginning of my post. in previous incarnation periods of my growth, that has proved to be a difficult challenge for me: to hold good and bad together, to let them coexist, to not go into an "all good / all bad" dichotomy.
i like how you pulled in the pirate God thievery from the conversation on terri's blog. :)
i'm not sure that i see God as a pirate thief right now. mostly, i'm just rocking with my usual concern about my own discernment. there have been so many times where i have thought i've known what God was doing in my life, only to move in that direction and be stopped short by a different plan of God's. i think by all the things i've written on this blog in the past month or two about my heart and the direction i have felt God pulling me, plus the way i experienced socal on easter and through the interview process earlier last week, that all of this was confirmation of moving in the right direction. except now i'm not so sure it can or will happen as i thought. which just really confuses and disillusions me. makes me question myself. you know?
thanks for the word on daniel. as you know, i've already communicated some thoughts to you in that regard through e-mail.
and thank you so much for your love for me in this place, and anyplace i may find myself, really.
sarah: your love means so much to me. i'm so glad we're sisters in jesus. and yeah, i guess the pain you hear is better explained more fully in my comment to tammy above.
dean: you are welcome to come back and share or not come back and share, depending on whether you have words or not. i just am so glad you're a part of this community and that i have your encouragement and support as we walk through this. your brothership to me has come to mean so much.
kirsten-girl: wow. so, all your words here communicated that you get exactly what i was trying to communicate and that you truly have been there. blew me away, reading your comment and having my eyes open wider and wider with the thought, 'yeah. she gets this. she has so been there. and gosh darn it, the truths she learned from it are HARD to contend with.'
you're right; it's so OUCH to let go of the good things we have in mind that we have thought were given by God. maybe they were, maybe they weren't. maybe they'll come to fruition, maybe they won't. i guess the truth is that it's too soon to say. too soon to know. all will be revealed in time. all i can do is sit with right now, where he is saying we may have to wait. (but even in that, i'm not yet too sure. we may have to wait, we may not have to wait.)
blergh! (this is my latest exclamation, by the way. do you like it? i do.) heh heh.
it is a good word that you said about it being painful for God to take things from our hands but also better for him to do it. OUCH. i needed to hear that, though. needed to be reminded that this is more about following the Good Shepherd than about sticking to ideas in my own mind.
i'm so glad you're along with me in this. you are my dear kirsten-friend. i love you.
ll: a little prickle under our feet. that is such a great expression for it, yes. and i thought of you, too, when i was writing this. had a feeling you would understand the tension. had a feeling you would get that the ideas we have are good, but maybe not necessarily best, even if we have all the hope in the world that they are.
torture. that's what it sounds like to me. i'm terrible at limbo. it makes me crabby and scared and a little crazy. i just want to be where i'm going or at least know where i'm going. so i'm feeling you here. ouch. i'm praying that everything becomes really clear here soon.
thanks, terri. yeah, the limbo life? not so fun. this is some practice in patience, too. did i ever tell you that kirk and i have been enrolled in the patience training program for a couple years now? we call it the good ol' PTP whenever we encounter a particularly difficult passage that tries our patience. :)
hey, i'm in that same program! the coursework is pretty grueling, don't you think? and when the hell will this semester end anyway? ;)
Once again, I feel like our lives lap in some way. I feel like I'm in this period of anticipation. I don't know what this means, but I understand what this means. How it'll look exactly, I don't know, but I understand that it means waiting on God and embracing this time of my life right now--creating and writing and creating and writing.
In some ways, you are in this period of anticipation--confirmation that this is your heart, that this is where God wants you. Timing? Details? God'll work that out.
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